dsv's paranoia has been officially flushed out for good...

[dsv]

Anyone else remember the last time the Packers played the Giants?

It was one of the first few days after I got taken out of my apartment. I was out of my fucking mind, watching that game with my mom. It was shortly after I freaked out on this board and called my dad long distance to ask him why he was the devil and making me suffer so much. I was literally insane in the brain from too much beer over the past few months before that. That experience was a life changer, for sure.

Didn't really wanna bring that up again, simply because it was such a frightening, life-altering event for me...but Sunday's matchup can't help but remind me of it. It's important for me to get this right in my head and written out before moving on. My memory is blurry and after posting that, I needed more time to remember what happened.

k...

I think my conspiracy theory was that somehow, my dad was God and he was using his power to get everyone to believe that I was the devil. It was a freak thing, but all it took was one tiny spark to set off the domino effect that was the delusional paranoid panic attack of a lifetime. Don't ask how it all got started and blown way out of proportion, but my reality was pretty numbed out from all the alcohol I had been consuming over the previous few months and when the fear was sparked of not having enough money for the rent at the end of the month, it really did give me a deafening wake-up call. A lot of the irrational thoughts and feelings had to do with my buried mental/emotional abuse/neglect growing up. Well, one half of me sees it as abuse, the other half sees it as discipline. Watching way too much Xavier: Renegade Angel (Season 1 only!)...also a key factor.

Anyway, I thought God was pissed at me for being such a worthless piece of shit and on the phone (he didn't answer so I left a message), I was trying to get my dad to confirm this conspiracy theory and if it was true, begging him to tell me exactly what he wanted me to do in order to stop all the chaos that was happening around me (because of me?), but really was just chaos in my head. It was really fucking cold around the time and I was literally thinking that God or/and my dad were turning Madison, Wisconsin into Hell and making it literally freeze over. I was feeling so desperately alone too. It was really late at night when everything was quiet and people were sleeping, but I was thinking it was still in the evening. I was a loner to the fullest extent, but I really needed someone to talk to. It was an emergency.

I think I eventually blacked out and when I woke up, the first thing I did was call my mom back home (my dad would usually be up north for the weekend but for this particular weekend, he was in Jamaica with his wife). The chaos and confusion was still with me and I was still trying to get the truth confirmed to connect all the coincidences I was seeing everywhere. Guess what? The truth wasn't there and no one was seeing nearly as much as I was seeing. If, in the extremely unlikely possibility that they WERE seeing it, then that must mean I was getting my cherry popped for the first time and they were so used to seeing it, that it wasn't that big of a deal to them anymore. Jaded. Needless to say...this shit I was going through combined with the fact that I wasn't acting anything like the quiet and timid son that my mom was used to...caused me to, against my own wishes, be pulled from my apartment and move back home. There was a lot more fucked up shit and more fucked up places I was forced to be in between those two moves, but I won't get into that.

*****Thank you for your time *****