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    9/11/01 happens to be the first time I found out about dredg but it was also 5 days after I lost my virginity to a girl I didn't even wanna have sex with. I did it STRICTLY FOR HER because she was super clingy and wanted it so badly. Actually as I'm thinking about it right now, I think what she really needed was affection but figured that I wanted sex instead...but I didn't. Anyway, I didn't even ejaculate...and we went at it for about an hour. This girl was very orgasmic by the way but I'll save that for another time if it ever comes. Anyway, I was still getting over a breakup with my best friend around the time because she was overly jealous of my FRIENDSHIP with the girl. In a weird twist, I really wanted sex from my best friend but she never gave it to me. I don't think she was waiting for me to make a move (she was very extroverted), I just think she thought I was too pure and didn't wanna take advantage of me...cuz she WAS kind of a dirty girl. Anyway, the girl I did have sex with (the only girl I've EVER had sex with...still to this day) became my girlfriend of 3 years. And it was only because SHE wanted a relationship. I met her too soon in life and she met me too late. And in hindsight, I realize that its the other way around now. But she told me she doesn't wanna see me again (even as a FRIEND and even though she cheated on me and I never cheated on her - unless you count fantasizing as cheating? LOL. OK I'll give you that one since I DO have a pretty active imagination) so I have to grant her wishes. I'm sure if she didn't still have the guy she left me for, it would be a different story but what're you gonna do. Some people are just too close-minded these days. She was under 5 feet tall by the way...just FYI (I love small girls). Anyway, I guess you could say I had a heart of gold at the time...even though I was introverted and had a really strict upbringing. I had built up a strong tolerance for pain growing up alone a lot but it got to the point of me being so shy that I was killing myself with weakness and vulnerability when I was around people...especially girls I was attracted to who actually gave me attention without me approaching them first. Music always pulled me through though...both positive and negative. I was a really jubilant boy growing up but from the 7th grade up until about a year ago, I was never really a happy guy in life and I had always been more comfortable working and playing in a more serious or down mood anyway.

    I started drinking heavily about 3 years ago after I had an unexplainable addiction to marijuana. "Unexplainable" because it would always make me feel like shit with all kinds of paranoia and bad thoughts...yet, I'd still smoke it all the time because my girlfriend got so high as a kite that I wanted to feel the exact same way. But it had the reverse effect on me for some reason. And if I drank alcohol when I was around her, it would make her feel uncomfortable. Why, I have no idea. I started smoking cigarettes after she broke up with me. I obviously got super addicted and I would chain-smoke like there was no tomorrow. I eventually got up to about a pack and a half a day and it made my emotions super hyperactive in my mind but I never let them out physically...other than masturbation. After it took all the will power in the world to quit, I started drinking more heavily to balance out the urge to smoke. After I fully got over the addiction (it took a good 6 months of cold turkey), the alcohol would get me so high and relaxed like you wouldn't believe. I was in heaven even though my life was pretty shitty. I hadn't had a job that involved working with people IN PERSON for the longest time though so it eventually caught up with me after I got so carried away with it.
    I moved back home in January of '08 under the demands of my parents after I had a mental freak out from not sleeping enough. A couple days after the episode, after I got a decent night's sleep, I felt great but I freaked my mother out because I wasn't acting like my normal timid self...so I let her take me to the ER just because SHE was freaking out so much. How ironic, huh. From there, I was put into a mental health department which was the worse thing that could've happened to me. THE PLACE WAS A LIVING HELL. Everyone there was so fucked in the head. I had to take shitty medication and I swear to God they drugged the food to brainwash us as much as they could. From there, I was put into a recovery house where I still had to take shitty medicine. In the rare times that I was able to be somewhat clear-headed, I would occasionally feel a strong emotional energy in the house...kinda like a spirit or ghost. I have to say that that was pretty fucking cool but other than that, it was stale as fuck living there. From there, I was taken to another recovery place that sucked shit too and from there, I was able to move back home where I tried to hang myself several times because I felt so bad from the evil drugs I was being given. I remember passing out a couple times and for all I know, I may have actually succeeded with killing myself. If so, I'm thinking I might've crossed over into another "world"...or maybe when I woke up, I was inside of a "dream"?...or maybe I put myself into a coma and I'm living the rest of my life in my head while my body is just lying somewhere. OR MAYBE I'M DEAD AND I JUST CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH! I probably just think too much...yeah, thats probably it.

    Anyway, ever since I got a job last April working with people IN PERSON, I've been a lot happier...that is, until my father forced me to go to back to school in the fall. That fucked everything up because my heart wasn't in it at all. It got so aggravating that I had to start drinking again in order to keep myself from physically hurting someone. I eventually just stopped going to school and that's when things got really awesome again...until the winter holidays rolled around. It's not that things started going bad, in fact it was the exact opposite. Things got to be SO GOOD, that I got carried away with my mind again. It had been maybe, I dunno...5 or 6 years since I had PHYSICALLY been around people for Thanksgiving and Christmas time. I just couldn't handle the "holiday spirit" because it was TOO happy and relaxing...if that makes sense. I just wasn't used to it. I remember being in the living room with my family on New Year's Eve and feeling so good after a long cold walk, that I started twitching with a hint of insanity. I may have been hallucinating a bit too though. Either way, a lot of what fucked it all up had to do with me getting a little too attracted to the underage girls I work with. If they were in my presence, I'd feel a very positive internal energy...kinda like ecstacy. There was one girl in particular that I had a major crush on. It was the day before Thanksgiving and I remember standing by her and almost feeling paralyzed with positive energy. I downplayed it as much as I could since we were at work but I couldn't stop thinking about her either. I would've tried to hang out with her outside of work but she was only 15 years old LOL. That may sound sick but you have to remember that I still think of myself as a kid. In fact, this girl kinda looks like she could be the female version of my inner child. She has a really pretty face with eyes to die for and I think she liked me too but it got to the point where the managers felt like it was getting in the way of the working environment...so they stopped scheduling us together. She lives about a mile away from me (happens to be the last house on the right of a dead end road in the highest (and southeastern) part of the community, where as I live in the 2nd-to-last house on the right of a dead end road (I live by an airport) in the lowest (and northwestern) part of the community...so its kinda symmetrical in more ways than one) and I've thought about going to her house and visiting her but I don't really feel like getting involved with her strict parents and people's gossip & close-mindedness. And she IS only 16 now afterall so she's got a lot of growing up to do. Why am I revealing all of this? I dunno, it kinda feels like I've been possessed by ______________ lately...but in a positive way.

  • #2
    Re: *

    Wow, it's not often that you see the real human side of people on a message board. I don't really know what to say other than that I hope things improve in any way they can.
    Originally posted by Gnomad
    Semen and anger... definitely dredg fans.
    Originally posted by noclevername
    stretch marks are a big ol cosmic thumbs up.

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