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  • Give me some feedback.

    On these lyrics I've been writing. I have to get to the gym so I'll just post one set now. They're incomplete and some lines may end up changed or rearranged.

    1) October:

    October, month of my brother's birth
    I loved you first, for whatever that's worth,

    Demons old, will come out their holes,
    When the leaves turn gold, and the earth goes cold,

    They come to take your soul, and make your human side grow

    (I need to write a chorus or refrain of some kind here)

    Raven sing, that old sad hymn that you sing,
    That long shrill tone, that chills my body to the bone,

    Bear you sleep sound, deep bellow the ground,
    I'll stay home safe inside where it's warm,

    Blessed Owyhees change, to red and brown and grey,

    (once again I need some kind of refrain or chorus here I'm thinkin')

    Demons leave me be, don't tempt me no more won't you please
    I just want to love, this girl and my father above,

    Though even by my fire warm, those demons still send me their scorn,

    Starving Artist added 682 Minutes and 25 Seconds later...

    No one? Come on! Maybe a second set will help you along. Another incomplete set, but coming along.

    2)I am a Wolf

    I am a wolf, I'm an evil thing,
    I'm a liar, I'm a coward, I'm a thief,
    And I'm weak,
    oh so weak,

    When those church, when those church bells ring,
    It's me, whom to the gallows they'll bring,
    And I'm weak,
    Lord so weak,

    Kill the wolf, kill the wolf they'll scream,
    Kill the liar, kill the coward, kill the thief,
    And I won't disagree,
    Lord save me,
    Originally posted by Gnomad
    Semen and anger... definitely dredg fans.
    Originally posted by noclevername
    stretch marks are a big ol cosmic thumbs up.

  • #2
    Re: Give me some feedback.

    rhyme scheme
    is a bit
    sophomoric

    other than
    that it's not
    bad at all

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Give me some feedback.

      easily not the worst thing ive ever read. too drunk to make further observations.
      http://turntable.fm/traversing

      BYOB

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Give me some feedback.

        Originally posted by erikpemberton View Post
        rhyme scheme
        is a bit
        sophomoric

        other than
        that it's not
        bad at all
        Thanks for that. I know they're really basic in rhyme scheme. I used to be really into poetry and I was branching out with such things but I stopped for a while and know it's all about trying to get back on the horse and improving.
        Last edited by Starving Artist; September 19, 2008, 07:01 AM.
        Originally posted by Gnomad
        Semen and anger... definitely dredg fans.
        Originally posted by noclevername
        stretch marks are a big ol cosmic thumbs up.

        Comment

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